Get the Hint?

I’ll admit to being fairly dense when it comes to hints. My wife would wholeheartedly second the truth of that. But when several different sources hit you with the same basic concept all within the span of week, even my thick head gets the picture. During the past week, I have listened to portions of two books, watched two live streams, and heard a sermon that all smacked me in the head with the same basic message: It has to start with me. (Yes, it took 5 different smacks in the head for me to get it. I said I was dense).

I’ve known that I needed to make changes in my life for quite some time. Starting this blog was part of that realization. However, despite trying numerous things (tactics) to try to change my behaviors and attitudes, I find myself having the same problems, engaging in the same behaviors. Overall, I find a lack of deep satisfaction in my life, and I fully believe (now) that lack of purpose lies at the core of my problems. But, more specifically, a lack of working towards a purpose. I believe I have a purpose, and I even have an idea what that purpose may be (of course, I could be wrong. It’s been known to happen, albeit very rarely). However, I have repeatedly stagnated in pursuing that purpose. I have tried to make numerous changes in the pursuit of happiness in many areas of my life, only to frustrated when I fall back into old habits and attitudes.

I’ve taken a largely tactical approach to change in my life. What does that mean? I have focused on doing “things” that I thought would help me change. Utilizing task trackers to help me be more efficient at work; downloading “Our Daily Bread” to help me be more consistent with my Bible reading; setting meetings to have more consistent, effective communication with my wife. But none of that has worked. While watching a live stream last night, Pastor Craig Groeschel made a statement that really impacted me (one of those slaps in the head). He said (paraphrasing), “One reason you may struggle to change is because you’re too focused on the ‘Do’ when you should be focused on the ‘Who.'” My focus should be on who I want to become, which will then lay out my steps to get there. Any decision that I face can be measured against the yardstick of who I want to become. It was profound, to me at least. (In addition to being dense, I’ll also admit to not being very ‘deep’).

This live stream came only a day after I had listened to a portion of Rachel Cruze’s book Love Your Life, Not Theirs. The opening chapters discuss the dangers of comparing my life to the lives of others, and how to put those comparisons to rest. I heard a lot of problems that I see in myself in those chapters. In short, the solution to comparison living is all internal. I have to work on me, on my contentment and my gratitude, if I want to put the comparisons to bed.

That brings us to Monday (going backwards in time). Rewind one more day to Pastor Dave Ashby‘s sermon on faith. Amongst many other lessons, the biggest one I walked away with was that a deepening of my faith had to come from inside me. There were choices I would have to make on a daily basis if I wanted to see my faith, and therefore my relationship with God, grow.

A few short days before that, I watched another live stream. This one (another Dave Ramsey live stream) was about business. As I start my own business helping other make lasting financial change in their lives (shameless plug for Homann Financial Coaching), I wanted to learn more about this process of business ownership and growth. What do you think the first step is in the process to grow your business from one stage to the next? Personal Growth. I, as the owner and director of my business, am the limit for how much my business can grow. So, unless I grow, my business will be capped. Although, this was a discussion of business, how true is that statement in every aspect of my life? Chronologically, this was the second event, so I hadn’t quite grasped that significance. It took the three other smacks already discussed to get me there. But looking back, that is true of every aspect of my life.

I think we’re getting the point, but I would be slacking if I didn’t tell you of the last (actually first) smack in the head. I started listening to (I’m into audiobooks at the moment) 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven R. Covey. In the opening chapter, Covey discusses how character is at the center of everything we do. Our society tends to focus on the quick fix (the tactical) without focusing on the deeper, more profound and more lasting change that comes from improving our character. This change starts with a shift in the way we perceive the world. Covey uses an example of one of his children and issues they were having. Ultimately, after much self-reflection and deep conversations with his wife, they came to realize that how they felt they were being seen as partens by other people (because of the actions of their child) was driving their feelings toward their child. Instead of putting the development of their child first, they were putting their social image first. It took a deep, critical (brutally honest) examination of themselves to shift their way of thinking and to put their child’s needs before their own.

As this has already become quite a long post, I’ll try to keep the rest brief. Happiness doesn’t come from outside, it comes from within. It’s something we’ve all been told and known intellectually since we were grown children. But have you applied it? Have you thought about what that really means? If I am not happy, the solution is not change in other people, or even changing the things I do. The change has to start within me.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck in your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:3-5

Upon some self-reflection (after repeated blows to the head), I’ve identified two major obstacles to my own change. One Jesus clearly outlined in Matthew 7. Typically, I struggle with this one in relationships, and not just my close relationships, but generally how I tend to interact with other people. I focus on their shortcomings, their wrongs, or what they aren’t doing. Ultimately, I think this comes from a selfish, self-centered attitude. I am more worried about what they aren’t doing for me, what I should be getting out of it, or me being right. (On a bigger note, I think this is the main source of much of the unrest we see in our country today). Instead, I should be focused on helping them, on what I can do for them. But, I have to be in a position to be able to help them first. I think that is what Jesus talked about in Matthew 7:3-5. Get your self in order before you set out trying to help others. The change has to start with me.

The second major obstacle I already talked about: I tend to focus on tactics. Pastor Groeschel said it, and it rings true: Focus on who I want to become, and let that determine what I do. Focusing on the ‘Do’ leads me to a squirrel mentality where I start employing a certain tactic only to find a ‘better’ tactic. So I start employing that tactic. Ultimately, they’re all ineffective because the problem is inside me, and the tactics can’t change that. I have to change me, to focus on who I want to be. That, then, will drive my tactics.